


into the light

by stydiaxdestiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Child Abuse, Depressed Dean, Destiel - Freeform, Flashbacks, M/M, Nightmares, Self Harm, Suicidal Dean Winchester, Worried Castiel, Worried Sam Winchester, charlie is alive yayyy, repressed feelings, slow burn destiel, worried Charlie Bradbury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-10-18
Packaged: 2018-04-26 22:51:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5023633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stydiaxdestiel/pseuds/stydiaxdestiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>trigger warning for this fic-may contain upsetting material</p><p>upset cas/oblivious dean<br/>angsty destiel<br/>slow burn(kind of)<br/>canonverse(kind of)<br/>SPOILER-</p><p>Charlie is alive in this fic yay!</p><p> </p><p>(fic may include small spoilers and references to past episodes-although it isnt set in any season in particular, but before the MOC.)</p><p>dean upsets cas, and now cas is avoiding him. dean is oblivious to having done anything wrong, but sam sees it.<br/>dean is mysteriously struck down with an illness that traps him in his memories, seemingly in a coma to the outside world. cas, sam, and Charlie use an old spell to get inside deans head, where they must search through his memories, dreams, and nightmares, to find dean and wake him.<br/>there's just one catch-<br/>the longer dean stays asleep, the harder it will be to find him.</p><p>*please note that I don't own any of these characters they belong to the CW*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

~sams POV~

he didn't know what dean had done to upset cas, but it must have been something majorly dickish. the Angel had been avoiding dean for the better part of a week now, and he seemed to scuttle from the room every time dean graced them with his presence.

which wasn't much come to think of it...thinking back, sam realised how much dean had been keeping to himself lately.   
he didn't come and watch tv anymore...he didn't go out to bars...he kept away from outside life, unless it involved going to the nearest gas station or supermarket and buying the strongest whisky he could find.   
sam groaned inwardly, running his huge hands through his mop of long brown hair.   
how could he have let dean become so...depressed. that was the word he had to use, despite how much he hated to admit it.   
dean was depressed, it was as plain as day to see. but, dean being dean, was completely oblivious to his illness, and just carried on, perfectly content at drinking himself into a reckless stupor most nights and babbling incoherently at himself and castiel from deans room.

'Sammy, we've got to find a hunt soon. we've not had anything for weeks...come on man! I'm bored.'  
'dean. we need to talk, before we find a hunt.'  
'spit it out then, I'm itching to kill an evil son of a bitch.'  
'listen, dean...I don't know what's wrong with you. I know you won't talk about it, so I won't bother asking. but what have you done to cas? he barely comes around anymore...he won't even look at you, what did you do?'  
'for Christs sake sam. I didn't do anything to cas...he's probably just on his Angel period or something.'  
'dude. gross. and fine. you won't talk about cas? talk about you then. tell me what's up with you.'  
'there's nothing wrong with me Sammy, stop sticking your nose into my business!'  
'dean you drink yourself under the table most nights, you have been for the past month! and don't think I don't notice all the missing pain relief...dean I don't know what to do with you. if your not careful you'll end up in rehab, or worse!'  
'Jesus Christ sam just fuck off, leave me alone. there's nothing fucking wrong with me okay.'  
'dea-'  
'I said fucking drop it sam!'

sam watched as dean stomped off round the corner of the bunker, punching the walls several times on his way.   
sighing deeply to himself, he prayed to the Angel castiel. 

hey cas. it's sam. listen...I don't know what dean...I don't know what we've done to upset you. can we at least talk about it? I'm worried about dean. he's getting more and more...depressed, angry, I'm worried he's even suicidal lately. he doesn't care about getting hurt...I've been avoiding hunts for weeks now, because I know he wouldn't try to save himself if he got into trouble. cas, please. we need you...dean needs you. 

 

~deans POV~

fucking sam, always assuming somethings wrong with me. there's nothing wrong with me! I'm fine. I am fine. I'm okay. I just-

'dean.'  
'hey cas. how're things upstairs?'  
'everything is in order in heaven dean. I merely came to check on you and sam.'  
'yeah well everything's fine down here. everything's just peachy. Sammy's in his room. I'm going to get a drink.'  
'is that wise dean?'  
'to be honest cas I wouldn't care if it was the stupidest decision of my life.'  
'oh. of course. I must go and speak to your brother. I will return shortly...to check on you.'  
'whatever man. don't let Sammy chew your head off, he's kinda in a bad mood.'  
'I'm sure my head will remain intact dean, but thank you for considering my safety.' 

dean watched as cas disappeared, and heard the ruffle of feathers as he did so.   
sighing, he sunk down into one of the library's comfier chairs, and inspected his knuckles. three were bleeding on his right hand, the left hand was just badly bruised. 

cas didn't ask to heal you. 

dean ignored his thoughts as he poured himself a large glass of whisky, and downed the drink in two mouthfuls. 

it's because he doesn't think your worth saving. not anymore. 

shuddering slightly, dean pulled out small container of incredibly strong painkillers, and took three, washing them down with whisky straight from the bottle.   
sinking further into the seat, he took another two mouthfuls of whisky, and let his mind drift away from him.   
he didn't usually get this drunk this fast...and why were his legs numb? but at this point, dean didn't even care. 

~cas POV~

cas paced the room he was in with sam, his heart racing despite him being at full power with his grace. he placed his eyes on sam and stared directly at him, before hissing harsh words. 

'how could you have missed it sam? as soon as I spoke to him, all I got was...was misery. anger. hatred. centred around himself...'  
'I don't know cas, I'm sorry. I just didn't see it, and then all of a sudden it was really bad...can you fix him?'  
'I don't know. when I was in that room, all I could hear was his soul screaming...it was quite unnerving actually...it reminded me of when I raised him from perdition.'  
'so you're telling me dean is suffering like he was in HELL and I didn't notice. oh my god.'  
'Sam do not blame yourself. humans often...misconceive emotions. you do not have as plain sight as I have...you could not have known. dean is a good actor, he can hide his true feelings incredibly well.'

cas. cas. CAS.

castiels jaw clenched as his heart sped up even faster. he looked straight at sam, pure fear in his eyes.

'dean.'

cas turned on his heels and flew away, to whichever room in the bunker dean had found his way into.


	2. Chapter 2

~sams POV~

racing down the corridor in the bunker, Sams heart juddered with fear. that look of pure dread in cas' eyes...oh god.

how could I not have noticed? what has dean done...oh no please no, no!

sam walked into the library of the bunker to see castiel slumped over deans seemingly lifeless body.   
deans face was slack jawed and his limbs were limp.

'cas? cas what's wrong with him? dean?! is he...is he even alive?'  
'he is alive sam, but I don't know what is wrong with him.'  
'what do you mean you don't know?'  
'I heard him...I heard his soul scream louder than I have ever heard it before. and when I got here...he was catatonic. he will not wake sam...something has trapped him in his sleep.'  
'so you're telling me deans in a fucking coma? cas why won't he wake up? try, cas, please!'  
'Sam! I have tried. I have tried everything I could within the short time I have been sat here in front of him. I don't know what's wrong.'  
'oh my god. we need to take him to a hospital...'  
'Sam, this is not a normal illness...this is something supernatural. only we can fix this...hospitals will do nothing.'  
'cas. he might die. we have to take him to a hospital...I'm calling Charlie. you see if anyone on Angel radio can help.'  
'Sam, you must understand, I am not in good stead with my brothers and sisters. they will not help...the only Angel who might help is Gabriel, and he may not even be alive.'  
'please cas. please, you have to try and contact him...for dean, please.'

sam looked pleadingly at cas, and he swore he could have seen a flicker of emotion in the Angels eyes.

'of course sam. I shall always try my best for dean and yourself.'  
'thanks cas. thankyou.'

sam retreated from the room to call Charlie, and left cas hovering above deans slumped figure. 

~Charlie's POV~

who the fuck is ringing me now. cockblocking me. well, not really cockblocking. vaginablocking?   
why is sam calling me?   
oh god not again. 

'Sam? what have you and princess done this time?'  
'Charlie, it's dean.'

oh no. oh no, no, no.

'Sam? what's wrong with dean?'  
'Charlie he won't wake up! he fell asleep and now me and cas, we don't know what to do...he won't wake up Charlie! cas says its supernatural, he says deans trapped in his mind...but Charlie he's been so depressed lately...'  
'why in gods name didn't you call me sooner if dean was depressed? oh fuck...listen, I'm coming to the bunker. send cas to pick me up. it'll be quicker.'  
'thanks Charlie. I'll send cas now.'  
'see you soon sam.'

turning off the phone, Charlie's face set in a grim line. she ushered her female companion from her flat, and rushed around grabbing what little things she may need. 

oh dean. I am so, so sorry I wasn't there for you. 

wiping a tear from her eye, she turned around upon hearing the flapping of wings.

'cas...'  
'Charlie. we must hurry...I cannot waste time should dean need me.'  
'okay cas...I'm so sorry.'  
'why are you sorry Charlie? dean is not in trouble because of you.'  
'no, cas, I'm sorry that deans sick. I mean...'  
'I appreciate that Charlie, but what do you mean?'  
'well, it's kinda obvious...I mean, you'd do anything for dean...I know you love him.'  
'of course I love dean.'  
'I know. I know...but I don't mean brotherly love cas...'  
'neither do I. we must go.'

Charlie gaped in shock for about half a second before castiel grabbed her arm and zapped them away, back to the bunker. 

back to dean. 

~cas' POV~

why can't I help him? why doesn't he let me give him the love he deserves?  
Charlie understands. sam...sam might.   
but dean? dean is completely in denial. he forgets that I can actually sense his emotions. he doesn't know that I know...

'cas? we've got the stuff ready.'   
'okay sam. get Charlie, we need to work fast. if this is what I think it is, then the longer dean is asleep...the harder it will be to find him.'  
'okay cas, are you sure this is it though? if this is the work of the god of hopes and dreams, then he could probably kill us with his little finger, and then we won't be able to help dean!'  
'Sam, I am absolutely positive about this. I would not risk losing dean if I was not completely sure. we must hurry.'  
'okay cas. I'll go tell Charlie.'  
'thank you sam.'

~deans POV~

'I hate you dean Winchester. you deserve to burn in hell.'  
'no! no! NO!'

dean tried to escape the Devils trap, and escape the accusing glares around him. 

dad.  
mom.  
ash.  
Ellen.  
jo.   
Bobby.  
Kevin.  
cas.  
sam.

they all looked at him with pure hatred. he glanced sideways and saw his reflection in a mirror. he saw the wounds on his face, the wrinkles, the blood. he saw the black abyss where his green eyes once were. 

'demon. Demon. DEMON!'  
'NO!'  
'YOU KILLED US ALL DEAN WINCHESTER! YOU KILLED EVERY LAST ONE OF US!'

~sam, cas, Charlie POV~

the two humans and one Angel sat around the ritual table, hands linked and eyes centred on the fire in the middle of the table.   
the Angel chanted an old enochian ritual and his eyes gleamed brightly as the fire shot upwards and burned a bright green colour. 

'Sam, Charlie...this is it. we must drink.'  
'okay cas. Charlie, you don't have to do this.'  
'I want to. dean saved me once, now it's time to return the favour.' 

on those last words, the three drank a black liquid from different cups, and closed their eyes as the Angel chanted the last verse of the ritual. 

silence fell over the room, as the three succumbed to a deep slumber. in each of their laps was a hex bag, consisting of hair from each of them, and from dean.   
they couldn't risk losing each other in deans head on the search for him. 

dean lay on his bed, arms folded above his chest and his own hex bag tucked neatly into his hands.


	3. Dream one

sam, cas, and Charlie all awoke on a dingy motel room floor.   
rubbing his eyes, sam sat up and looked around. 

'guys, this looks like a memory from our childhood...'  
'sam...look.'

sam looked over to where cas was pointing and saw himself, probably around age 4, asleep on one of the motels beds. across the room from him, sat awake on the other bed, was dean. 

suddenly, dean seemed to look straight at them, fear etched onto his face. 

'he can't see us sam, deans not trapped in this one. this is just a memory he's relived recently.'  
'Sam, cas...someone's outside.'

sam looked from Charlie to cas, then quickly looked at the motel room door as it began to open. in stumbled John Winchester, clearly drunk and raving like a lunatic.   
he walked over to the small table and grabbed a bottle of whisky that was stood there, before pouring himself a drink. 

'did you feed Sammy.'  
'I tried, dad, I promise!'  
'what do you mean you tried.'   
'he wouldn't eat anything, he said he didn't like it...I accidentally burnt the food dad but it wasn't that bad and I said he could have mine but he didn't want it, he wanted cereal, and we didn't have any and I couldn't leave him here to go to the shop, and I didn't have any money-'  
'SHUT UP! I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT IF SAMMY DOESN'T WANT HIS DAMN FOOD, YOU MAKE SURE HE GETS FED!'  
'dad I tried but he wouldn't eat any!'  
'I don't care dean. look, you've woken him up now! sam, go back to sleep now, THAT IS AN ORDER!'

sam, cas and Charlie watched as a four year old sam whimpered and shoved his head under the pillows, shutting out the noise. 

they watched as John Winchester made dean sit completely rigid on his bed until Sam's breathing had levelled out. 

they watched as John drank another glass of whisky, before standing up, grabbing eight year old dean by the neck, and dragging him outside. 

they watched as dean pleaded with his father, as his dad dragged him out towards the car park and the forest behind the motel, where the impala was parked. 

'daddy, please, don't-'  
'don't call me daddy.'  
'y..yes sir.'  
'stand there. don't move. if you move, I'll kill you.'

sam, cas and Charlie watched in horror as John Winchester drunkenly dug a hole in the floor with a shovel he had grabbed from the impala. he worked fast and precisely, the whole thing only taking about 30 minutes. all this time, dean was stood sobbing uncontrollably, his small face scrunched up in complete fear. 

'get in.'  
'no...no!'  
'you do as I say. get in, and that is an order. GET IN!'  
'no dad, stop it, stop!'

dean desperately tried to claw his father away as he grabbed him.  
John swung the eldest Winchester over his shoulder, then slammed him into a tree knocking the air from him.   
gasping for breath, dean tried to plead with his father but it was no use. John began to punch the small boy, until dean bowed his head in shame and admitted defeat. 

'now get in the damn hole and dig yourself out. I don't know what's going to happen to you in the future. this is training. dig yourself out dean. if your not out in thirty minutes I'll come and get you out, and I won't be happy.'  
'yes sir.'

sam, cas and Charlie watched in horror as child-dean crawled into the 3ft deep hole, and lay completely flat.   
Charlie could barely hold back her sobs as John began shovelling dirt onto dean, the child's face scrunched up and his eyes squeezed shut. 

sam stood silently, his whole body shaking with anger. his fists were clenched so tight they had gone completely white and his mouth was set in a grim line. his eyes were bright with tears as he watched his father bury his brother alive.

'I didn't know Dad did this to him...if he was alive, I swear I'd kill him. he belongs in hell...fucking asshole. I'm done seeing this...can we get out of here?'  
'we have to wait until the memory or dream is over I'm afraid sam...we can't even soothe him. I myself did not realise that anything like this ever happened.'

'guys, we have to find dean...he's stuck, reliving things like this...no wonder he's so messed up.'  
'what do you mean messed up? deans only been depressed recently.'  
'sam, your such an idiot. Didn't you ever wonder why dean had such an obsession with wearing tons of bracelets? didn't you wonder why he always refused to take his shirt off...sam, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you.'  
'tell me what? Charlie what do you mean?'  
'Sam, dean...dean self harms. self harmed? I don't know if he stopped...I walked in on him after he had a shower one day...after he did it. he made me promise not to tell you, or you cas...he kind of blackmailed me.'  
'he blackmailed you. into not telling me. about...Charlie no...dean wouldn't...'

'sam I must be perfectly honest I myself had my suspicions...dean was always very insistent on patching himself up after hunts. I did begin to think that maybe he had something to hide.'

cas looked at sam intently as he spoke, his gaze fixated on the emotion showing through Sam's face.

Charlie broke the silence by tugging on Sam's arm, her face covered in tear tracks and her short red was hair wild where she had been running her hands through it. 

'Sam I'm sorry...I should've told you...'  
'it doesn't matter. we can help dean once we find him and save him. none of that matters until deans awake.'

with those words, the dream/memory drastically flipped to a majorly different surrounding.


	4. Dream two and three

~deans POV~

'you fucking mess.'  
' cas, please..'  
'shut the fuck up! you ruined everything. you fucking ruined everything...team free will? TEAM FREE WILL?! all you ever did was fuck things up for me! you ruined my existence dean, you tainted me! I am no better than lucifer now. you, are worse.'  
'cas please stop! I'm sorry!'  
'no dean. it's too late...there's nothing left for me here. goodbye, dean Winchester. thanks for nothing.'  
'cas, STOP!'

dean screamed in a blind panic and raced forward, grabbing castiel as he stabbed himself through the heart with his own Angel blade. a bright light shone through the room and dean felt an immense burning pain across his body, as he cradled the Angels limp figure in his arms. 

'cas, please...cas...cas wake up.'

castiel did not move, nor did he answer dean. Dean sobbed uncontrollably for what seemed like hours, until he finally peeled himself away from the Corpse and released the über strong grip he had on cas, his hands unclenching around the material of the trench coat.  
dean looked down at the lifeless body of cas, and then looked down at himself. 

across his chest, arms, and even burnt onto his neck, were the scorch marks of the dead Angel. burnt into the shape of his wings, a permanent reminder of what dean had caused...the only comfort for Dean was the amount of pain he was in, although he knew nothing could amend his actions. 

cas was right though...it was all his fault. 

~sam, cas, Charlie POV~

'where are we now sam?'  
'I don't know cas...'

Charlie grabbed hold of Sams hand in her own, and cas' in her other hand.

'we have to look for dean.'

the three set off walking down the highway, a mutual feeling of fear and uncertainty settled between them.   
after walking for around half an hour, Cas spotted something in the distance.

'I believe that the impala is over there.'  
'I think your right cas...'  
'come on then! we have to go see if deans there!'

all three frantically ran towards the speck in the distance, arriving not ten minutes later. silently, they walked to the side of the impala, and peered inside. 

dean was sat in the drivers seat, head on the steering wheel, muttering to himself.   
'my fault. I fucking ruined his life again...why didn't I just stay alone? why? what the fuck is wrong with me?'

'oh...I remember this. well, I remember what happened before this. just after I got back into hunting, me and dean had a massive argument...I left him. I didn't think he would have been so...so upset.'  
'sam you couldn't have known. deans not here though, so we have to keep moving.'  
'Charlie's right sam, you didn't know what dean was going through. we need to hurry...we have to find dean.'

the three set off walking, not knowing what they were doing or where they were going. suddenly, cas keeled over and knelt on the ground, his teeth clenched and arms wrapped around his waist. 

'cas? cas?! what's wrong?'   
'something...I think deans distressed. I'm getting an overload of emotions from him...we must be closer than we thought.'  
'here, lean on me cas. we're gonna find dean, don't worry...we'll find him.'

~deans POV~

the stench of blood filled deans nose. he groaned and rolled over onto his side, immediately retching when his eyes darted over the sight beside him. 

1, 2, 3, 4...

sam, cas, Charlie, and Bobby. 

strung up from the ceiling, arms above their heads and legs hanging limply. 

'Sam?! cas?! guys?! Charlie? Bobby?'

dean frantically scrambled to his feet and searched for something he could use to cut them down with. 

'dean...please...stop...'  
' cas? cas?! how did this happen? who did this to you?'

dean raced towards cas' bloodied body, but stopped abruptly when he saw cas flinch. 

'dean, please...I can bring them back...just..stop..please.'  
'no...no...'

dean spun around to see a huge mirror mounted on the wall behind him, and he felt tears well up in his eyes as he saw his reflection. 

he was dressed in full black, almost identical to Crowley. his clothing was completely stained with blood, some was even smeared over his face. his hands were stained dark red. 

his eyes gleamed, sunken and black, void of any expression or meaning. 

'cas? cas...did I do this?'  
'dean, please stop. what you've become...you can change. you can stop...please.'

dean looked at cas' blood stained face, and his heart clenched painfully as he saw the tear tracks that lined the Angels cheeks. 

he had done this to cas. he had made an angel...a warrior of God, cry. 

he had tortured and killed the only family cas had left, and made him watch. 

he had taken almost all of the Angels grace, leaving him practically helpless.   
he had deliberately left cas defenceless...

dean looked up at the Angels tear stained face again, and fell to his knees, desperately clawing at his own legs and arms in the hope to make himself feel similar pain to what he had made the others feel.

'dean...'

dean watched as cas took his final breath, he watched as cas' head fell forward limply mimicking sam, Charlie and Bobby. 

'no, no, no...'

~sam, cas, Charlie POV~

the three woke up on the floor of a dimly lit room, shrouded in darkness. 

'this is Bobby's house...I can't remember anything really bad happening here?'

just as sam finished that sentence, they heard shouting coming from downstairs. 

'that's you and Bobby, sam...dean too...why is this one of deans nightmares?'  
'I don't know...we have to go and look for dean. please, we have to hurry.'  
'okay cas...okay. come on sam.'

the two hunters and the Angel quickly walked down the stairs and raced to the living room, where they saw Bobby and sam talking, and dean yelling. 

'cas wouldn't do that!'  
'dean, you have to consider the possibility that cas isn't telling us the truth.'  
'FOR FUCKS SAKE SAM, CAS WOULDN'T DO THAT!'

'I believe this is the argument you, dean and Bobby had when you were questioning my loyalty...dean refused to believe that I was double crossing you...'  
'cas, it's okay. it's forgiven, trust me.'  
'I just...I cannot forgive myself for behaving like that.'  
'cas, dean chose to stay on your side. he always believed in you, and that's a hard thing to earn from dean...it's okay.'  
'thank you sam.'  
'sorry to ruin the heart to heart guys but we have to go...this dreams fading.'


	5. Dream four and five

~deans POV~

'sam? cas? where are you guys?'

dean walked around the hospital slowly, for the third time. he'd retraced his steps multiple times, but sam and cas were nowhere to be found. 

oh god. what if somethings happened...

dean shook his head, trying to lose the feeling that something very bad was about to happen.   
he stepped around a wheelchair that was lying on its side on the floor, it's upward facing wheel spinning slowly. 

he looked around, drinking in the scene around him. 

the floor was littered with paper, there were wheelchairs, regular chairs, and even a stretcher strewn about randomly. the receptionist lay on the front desk in a pool of her own blood, barely recognisable because of the deep wounds scattered across her body. dean looked around and saw more people, all dead. covered from head to toe in awful cuts, jagged things recklessly done, the cuts clearly used to torture and not specifically to kill.

'what the hell? demons...Crowley? who did this...'

'dean Winchester. I believe I have an answer to that question.'

the blood in deans body ran cold and his heart almost stopped. it took him three seconds to turn around, and three seconds to see the figure stood behind him. 

'Alastair.' 

Alastair smiled psychotically, his eyes flickering between demon and human. he hummed a child's nursery rhyme, while tapping his hands on the reception desk. 

his clean hands. 

'dean Winchester, so we meet again. lovely to see you behaving so demonically by the way. it really turns me on.'  
'what are you doing here. you're dead. you are dead.'  
'dean, dean, dean. I am not dead. we never truly die dean...we just go somewhere else. but believe me, the pain of crawling out of the darkness...it's all worth it. because you, dean Winchester, have become this. you don't even have the excuse of being a demon anymore...you're just evil. hahaha!'  
'you did this. you're the monster Alastair...I'll kill you again. I will kill you dead.'   
'oh deenie weenie. I am not the only monster in this room. look in the mirror. what do you see.'

dean turned to face a 7 foot mirror that had magically appeared beside him, and drank in his appearance. 

blue jeans.   
plain t shirt.   
flannel shirt over the top.   
dark jacket.   
boots. 

blood stains all over him. everywhere. 

dean reached into the front pocket of his jeans and removed a blood stained knife from it. the demon blade. 

'see, dean Winchester, you became obsessed...everyone and everything was a demon! you killed them all you moron!'  
'no! I didn't! you did this, you tricked me! go back to hell!'

dean raced forward with the demon blade, attempting to plunge it into alastair's heart, but the demon simply disappeared. 

dean slumped down on the floor, looking at the blade in his hands. 

'oh well. good things never last.'

he wiped the blade on his shirt and began to litter his wrist with cuts, trying to go deeper and deeper. 

but no matter how hard he tried, they never even bled. his skin would not cut...at all. he couldn't even punish himself for this.

~sam, cas, Charlie POV~

'Sam, I can feel dean. he is in great distress...but I believe we may be close now. we have to find dean.'  
'I know cas! okay! I know we have to find dean. I know you have to find him. I know.'  
'Sam. what do you mean? we all have to find dean, I cannot do it alone.'  
'he means he knows how you feel cas...he knows it's important for you specifically to find dean. he didn't say we wouldn't help though.'   
'sam. what do you know.'  
'well for one I know you love him...cas you're a pretty obvious guy...I can just tell ok. and also Charlie might have told me before we came here...'  
'Charlie. I trusted you with that information. why did you tell sam? he may have reacted badly, and destroyed me.'  
'cas you don't actually think I would have hurt you? I would never hurt you you ass. Charlie told me because I asked...I mean I'd pretty much guessed from the way you two were acting around each other that something was going on but-'  
'nothing is going on sam. dean will not return my feelings.'  
'wait...is that why you were acting so weird? because dean's scared to go   
gay?'  
'Sam may I remind you that I am a celestial being, I have no gender. and no...dean just doesn't know.'   
'bullshit! deans my brother and I can tell when he's interested in someone. I mean, I've never witnessed him being completely head over heels in love, but...'  
'guys, seriously? enough with the chat...we have to find dean. we can all sort out who's banging who when deans safe.' 

sam and cas stared at Charlie as she strutted out of the room they were in at a hospital, only to hear her gasp in shock. 

sam and cas both ran from the room, and sam almost threw up at the sight that greeted them. 

'well this is definitely a nightmare because I have never, ever seen anything like this.'

the room was completely filled with bodies, the stench of blood causing Charlie and sam's eyes to water.   
paper was lying blood stained, scattered across the floor, and wheelchairs were strewn about, their recent occupants lying dead in pools of their own blood.   
sam noticed that one man had been skinned. he must've been alive whilst it happened, his body was twitching on the floor. 

sam grimaced, and walked ove to the only blood free space in the room. 

it was a small patch, a completely perfect circle.

sam felt a tear well up in his eye, as he bent down to pick up the stuff, and he heard cas and Charlie walk up behind him. 

'these are deans bracelets...and the demon blade.'  
'that means we're close. it may only take us one more dream to find dean.'

neither sam nor cas noticed, but Charlie had been silently crying from the moment she spotted the bracelets, and as she wiped away the tears from her face, she whispered a message to dean. 

'dean, we're coming for you. we're gonna find you soon okay. hang in there.'


	6. Dream six

~deans POV~

dean woke up in a field, surrounded by flowers and...bees? it seemed oddly familiar for some reason, but he let the feeling slide. 

cas would love this. flowers and bees...cas loves-

dean stopped himself thinking about things that cas loves, or things that love cas, or love in general.   
it was a touchy subject for Dean Winchester. 

you can't love anything when you're a hunter. love gets you hurt, love gets other people hurt. too risky. if cas-fuck. no. if anyone I loved, like Sammy, or Charlie, or cas, got hurt, then it would kill me. love is bad with this life...you can't have family. you can't have love. 

dean rambled on in his head, appreciating the peace and normality he felt at lying in this field surrounded by bees and flowers. 

suddenly, he heard a shout, someone calling his name. 

~sam, cas, Charlie POV~

'bees? flowers? guys this doesn't seem like a bad dream...'  
'this isn't a nightmare sam, nor is it a memory.'  
'what do you mean?'  
'this is a dream, or more of a setting, I placed in deans head when he had just returned from hell. he was having multiple nightmares and so I created a few scenes in his head where he could sleep peacefully and not suffer. this is actually a garden very similar to our garden in heaven...'  
'wait...so this is the garden of Eden?'  
'no sam, purgatory is where Eden used to be. after Adam and Eve disobeyed God, and were banned from Eden, all the monsters and mythical beings began going there when they died. that's partly why Eve is known as the mother of all monsters. but, despite being incredibly dangerous, Eden is still one of the most beautiful places in the universe.'  
'oh. well if we're not in purgatory or Eden or whatever, why are we here? this seems like a good dream.'

before cas could answer, Charlie had already set off running in the opposite direction to where they were facing, her calls beckoning sam and cas to in turn run behind her. 

'dean! DEAN! guys, dean is over there! DEAN!' 

~Morpheus POV~

he watched from the sky as the four tiny specks moved closer together. 

he wasn't interested in the three new specks, although how they found him was quite fascinating.   
but no, he wasn't interested in them at all. he liked the other speck. the speck with so much pain, so much grief and anxiety, that he was a thousand time more interesting than the other specks. 

Morpheus watched as the specks embraced each other, he watched as his favourite speck held his hug with the tan coloured speck for a little too long. 

he decided it was time.   
he must go, and give the speck his choice.

~all characters POV~

dean, sam, cas, and Charlie all stood around each other, the later three not wanting to admit they had found dean in case it was a trick.

sam was the first to speak. 

'dean, we need to find a way to get home. we have to hurry and go, before it's too late. and we need to talk, but that can wait.' 

dean looked between sam, cas and Charlie then, and when he saw the guilty look etched over Charlie's features he knew straight away what had happened. he clapped a hand on her shoulder, and looked her straight in the eyes.

'it's okay Charlie, that you told him. I forgive you.'

Charlie nodded and wiped a tear from her eye, before grabbing dean and engulfing him in the tightest hug he had ever received. 

suddenly, the ground began to shake. flower petals fell from their stems and began to rise in the air, floating and twirling, until the air around the four people was completely filled. they could not speak nor could they even breath in, because the petals were swirling so closely to their mouths and noses. 

just as suddenly as it had began, it ended. the flower petals dropped to the floor, and stood in front of the hunters and the Angel was a man. 

he was dressed in a suit and tie, of all things. his hair was slicked back and he wore thick rimmed spectacles low down on his nose. he held a walking stick in his left hand, and a flower in his right. 

'I am Morpheus, God of hopes and dreams. you, Dean Winchester, must make a choice.'

Dean took a step back, and shielded Charlie and cas, his arm reaching out to try and shield sam, but failing as sam stepped forward. 

'what decision would that be you dick.'  
'I did not ask you to speak, sam Winchester. be quiet.'

Morpheus flicked his wrist slightly, and sam proceeded to try and open his mouth, but he couldn't do it. 

'what did you do to my brother you piece of shit.'  
'I merely dissolved his tongue. he cannot speak, until I wish him to.'  
'well give him his fucking tongue back now and I'll make him shut up.'  
'as you wish.'

sam gasped and began grabbing at his tongue as it was put back in his mouth, and then silently stepped back next to dean. 

'okay, Morpheus, God of whatever, what do you want.'   
'I want you to make a choice, dean Winchester.'  
'well spit it out because I haven't got all day.'  
'you have as long as you wish dean, time passes differently in the dream realm.'   
'okay, cut to the chase. what. do. you. want.'   
'the decision I wish for you to make, dean Winchester, is a simple one. come with me. become a god. I like you, I like your dreams. they are vivid, far more vivid than that of any other human being I have ever seen. they are so interesting to watch...they seem so real.'  
'oh. well, sorry, but no thanks. I want to wake up.'   
'are you completely sure about that? what life waits for you when you wake up? stay here with me, and have everything you ever wished for...bring your friends. keep them here, they can serve you.'  
'I don't want them to serve me. look pal just send us home. I want to go home.'  
'you forget dean winchester, that is powerful supernatural beings can tell when you're lying. for example your Angel friend over there...he is so well tuned into you that he can decipher every single strong emotion that runs through your soul. I can too...and I know you're lying.'

dean looked across at cas, and blushed slightly under the Angels fierce gaze. shaking himself back to reality, he looked back at Morpheus, stony faced and intimidating. 

'I don't care. send me home now, before I kill you.'  
'as you wish, dean Winchester.'

Morpheus clicked his fingers, and was gone. suddenly, the whole setting around them began to melt, and the three hunters and the Angel found themselves getting increasingly sleepy. 

all at once they succumbed to the sleep, not having realised they were back where they had started, in the bunker.


	7. Chapter 7

cas was the first to wake up. he looked around the table in a panic, searching for dean, until he remembered that dean was laid in his room. 

cas couldn't wait for sam and Charlie to awaken, he had to go and check on dean now. 

he stood up slowly, and walked to deans room, too scared to use his grace to get there in case dean hadn't awoken yet, but also too worried about dean to wait for Charlie and sam. 

he reached deans door and slowly opened it, his hands now shaking violently. dean was lying on the bed, his eyes shut. cas let out a sigh and walked over to dean, before shaking his arm to wake him. at first, nothing happened, and castiel feared the worst, but after a couple more shakes dean began to open his eyes. 

'cas?'  
'dean. you're awake.'  
'uh, yeah, I guess I am...'  
'don't ever leave again.'

castiel grabbed dean and pulled him into a tight embrace, and dean just let him. he didn't care about his feelings for the Angel anymore, he was too happy to be out of that hell-like sleep. 

'cas, I-'  
'I know. me too.'  
'wait...you can tell what I was going to say?'  
'I could feel it Dean, I've been able to feel it for a long time.'  
'why didn't you say anything?'  
'I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. I understand that you deem love between two males unacceptable.'  
'no cas, that's not it...I just, I just...my dad, he would have killed me...so I never did anything about it...I just Ignored it...I never thought anything would come of it Yano? hunters life...can't afford to love people...they always die.'  
'oh. so the only reason you did not tell me is because you were scared, and not because of the gender of the vessel I decided to use?'  
'basically, yeah cas.'  
'so you would still love me whatever vessel I was using. or if I was in my celestial form.'  
'well, yeah, obviously I would.'  
'oh.'  
'right. so...what do we do now?'  
'I don't know.'  
'oh. well um...I don't know either.'

Dean looked down at his hands and began playing with his fingers, but stopped when cas reached out and grabbed his hand. 

'I'm glad we could save you Dean. I was really rather worried. which is unusual because I am an angel, we don't usually feel things.'  
'oh. well I guess you're different. well, I know you're different...you're not a dick, like the other Angels. or psychotic...or evil.'  
'Dean, not all my brothers and sisters are dicks as you put it.'  
'well you have to admit they are pretty weird. what are they going to say...about us?'  
'oh they will not approve. well...the majority will not. Gabriel, however, he is a different story...he sees things how they are, not how they look. although I fear he may be dead.'  
'look cas, if we know gabriel, he's in hiding, or something...he never dies, not really...he'll be out there somewhere.'  
'I hope your right Dean.'  
'yeah, so do I. Gabriel's one of the good guys...even though he killed me a hundred times.'  
'that was merely a training exercise for sam.'  
'yeah well it wasn't very pleasant for him.'  
'I will make Gabriel apologise for that, if we ever do meet again.'  
'nah it's okay cas. you don't have to do that.'

Dean lightly squeezed cas' hand, before Charlie and sam ran into the room. 

'dean! cas! oh...you're alive! sam...um...we'll talk to Dean later, we have to um...make...coffee!'  
'right...yeah. Dean...it's good to see you properly. And we're having a talk, all four of us. in the kitchen. five minutes. don't do anything dirty Dean you don't have time to shower.' 

Dean blushed bright red as sam and Charlie left the room, and when he looked at cas he almost cried laughing at the puzzled face the Angel had acquired. 

'Dean I do not understand what sam means, why would you need to shower? there is nothing dirty in this room and you yourself are fairly clean.'  
'that's not what he meant cas...'  
'what did he mean? Dean, tell me. please.'  
'oh god...he meant us. he meant don't us two, do anything...dirty.'  
'Dean I can assure you I'm not planning on dirtying these clothes or myself, I am more concerned about your welfare.'  
'oh my god. I give up...come on, let's go talk to sam and Charlie.' 

Dean grabbed hold of cas' hand and led him out of the bedroom, down the halls, and towards the kitchen where sam and Charlie were both sat. 

as they walked in, Charlie giggled at the sight of them holding hands and sam coughed 'destiel' under his breath.  
Dean glared at them while castiel just smiled to himself. 

he was holding deans hand. he didn't know why this was special but it made him feel good.  
Dean loved him, he could feel it. the words hadn't been admitted yet, but he knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> update will be posted as soon as possible, I'm pretty busy with college recently :) I would love to hear what you think in the comments. :)


	8. Chapter 8

~deans POV~

fuck. cas knows about...cas knows how I feel about him. 

Dean paced across his bedroom, wringing his hands and breathing heavily. 

that will be why he's been acting so weird lately.   
it makes him feel uncomfortable. he doesn't like it. that's why he was avoiding me. why would anyone love me? I mean, family yeah, they have to. but cas? cas is too good for me. 

Dean crouched down beside his bed and put his head between his knees. 

cas will realise soon.   
he'll leave again.  
Sammy will leave again.   
Charlie will leave again. 

and I'll be alone. 

'Dean? you okay?'  
'm'fine sammy.'  
'can I talk to you?'  
'what about. Sammy I'm tired...I just want to sleep.'  
'not until we've talked. we need  
to sort things out.'  
'spit it out then Sam.'

sam walked towards Dean and grabbed his elbows, pulling him from the floor roughly before sitting him on the bed. sam grimaced awkwardly before sitting down next to Dean. 

'Dean. why...why did you hurt yourself?'  
'I don't know what you mean Sammy.'  
'dean, I know. Charlie told me, while you were stuck under Morpheus spell.'

Dean leaned forward and put his head in his hands, before trying to get up and walk away. sam grabbed his left arm, and after a short struggle from Dean, pulled up his sleeve. 

fuck. he's going to make you go to counselling or something. 

'dean? when did you do these?'

don't answer. he'll go away. don't talk. 

'Dean answer me. now. when did you do this?'  
'after you saved me.'   
'why?'

it was only one simple word, but it was enough to make Dean break down. 

pathetic. a grown hunter,  
crying about a couple of lousy scratches. grow up, Dean Winchester. 

'sammy, I'm sorry.'  
'why did you do it, Dean, tell me please.'  
'because everything's so fucked up! our lives are completely jacked sam. we account to nothing, nothing at all on this earth, yet we get such fucked up lives. I don't know what to do anymore Sammy. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I just don't want to do anything. you, cas, charlie, you deserve better than I could give you. all I do is ruin lives Sammy! I'm toxic!'  
'Dean, stop. stop punishing yourself for everything wrong with this world. stop treating yourself so badly. you went to hell for me Dean. you followed cas around purgatory for a year. you've risked your life for Charlie so many times...you help us all, and we're all grateful for it. stop thinking so badly of yourself Dean.'

sam grabbed Dean and pulled him into a hug, and despite being the taller brother he burrowed his head into deans shoulder. it was something he'd done since he was little, something that comforted him. 

'thanks Sammy.'  
'it's okay.' 

sam broke apart the hug and stood up, smiling awkwardly at Dean. Dean smiled back forcefully, the emotional trauma evident on his face.   
he turned and left the room, to search for Charlie and cas. 

Dean stayed sat on his bed, his face void of any emotion. 

fucking pathetic. 

~sam, Charlie and cas POV~

'he thinks it's all his fault. everything that's ever happened to us, he blames himself! it's stupid, he won't listen to me. he never has!'  
'Sam, your brother has always carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. it is something he has grown used to, he has developed certain coping mechanisms that you don't agree with.'  
'cas, cutting himself is not going to help him. we need to make him stop it...'  
'Sam, cas...just be quiet okay? Dean isn't going to like hearing us all yelling about how fucked up he is.'  
'he isn't fucked up Charlie, he is merely misunderstanding his own emotions and is failing to express them appropriately.'  
'can we all just shut up about that, and decide what were going to do about it?'

half an hour later, sam had moved all of the knives, razor blades, painkillers, and even lighters, into a locked drawer in the kitchen. the weapons were locked in the boot of the impala, and sam had the key in his pocket. 

Dean could Hotwire the car but he wouldn't be able to get the boot open, unless he harmed the car, and Dean would never do that. 

Charlie had been sent to deans room, to talk to him, and to keep an eye open for anything he might abuse. 

cas had flown off to find Dean some pie, because if anything would cheer the elder Winchester up, it was pie. 

~Charlie's POV~

God dammit. why did you tell sam? dean hates you. fucking shit. fuck. shit. 

'dean?'  
'what, Charlie?'  
'I'm sorry...I only told sam because I was scared.'  
'why the hell were you scared.'

Charlie looked up to face Dean upon hearing his sharp response, and despite how she knew he was trying to appear stony faced and cool, she could see his eyes glazing over, the tell tale signs of emotion creasing around his eyes. 

'Dean Winchester, I was petrified. I thought you were going to die. I thought you tried to kill yourself. are you aware of what that would do to me? it would be my fault Dean.'  
'no it wouldn't. if I killed myself, it would be my own fault. I'm not going to kill myself!'  
'it would be my fault Dean. it would be my fault, because if you had killed yourself, it would have been because you couldn't get the help you needed, because I didn't tell anyone.'  
'Charlie I'm not going to fucking kill myself, okay?! it's just something that I do. get over it.'   
'no. I will not get over it! neither will sam, or cas! Dean we love you, and I know neither cas nor sam, nor me either, will stand around and let you hurt yourself because of some petty emotions you have.'  
'oh, so we're insulting me now.'  
'shut up! you have bigger problems to worry about than hurting yourself! my god, it happens on an almost daily basis with your job anyway!'

Charlie looked at dean, who was evidently now more pissed off that upset. but he still looked at her with that fondness in his eye, that he had always had for her. Charlie was a like a sister to dean, she knew she was, and she couldn't stand to upset him or make him angry. 

'Dean, I'm sorry...but this has to stop.'

she grabbed his wrists gently, and held them in her hands, massaging her thumbs along the scar tissue. 

'you don't need to do this...ever. no matter what evil thing comes around, no matter who gets hurt...don't do this. please.'

Dean looked at charlie, his eyes again brimming with tears. 

'next time you feel like doing this...just don't. break a plate. scribble all over your arm with pen...call me. don't shut yourself out.'  
'I'm sorry Kid...I do try to stop.'  
'I know. but it's something you need to take one day at a time. never give up, always keep fighting. it'll pay off one day, I promise.'

Charlie took a deep breath, and made one of the hardest decisions of her life.

pulling up her sleeve, she licked the corner of her flannel shirt and rubbed at a spot on the top of her forearm.

slowly, but surely, makeup began to come off her arm, and Dean could see very faint scars along Charlie's arm.

'Charlie no...'  
'see? I got over it. you can too. it's hard Dean, but it's not impossible.'  
'why?'  
'it doesn't matter. it's over now, I don't need to think about that time of my life again. when it's over for you, you won't need to think about it again.'  
'thank you.'

Charlie reached forward and grabbed Dean, pulling him into a massive bear hug.


	9. Chapter 9

~cas POV~

why does the majority of the pie shops in the USA claim to have the best cherry pie?   
they can't simply all have the best...and I can't taste them all. I will have to settle for the best looking cherry pie...I hope Dean doesn't mind. 

cas zapped back to the bunker with a flutter of wings, arms laden with a couple of different flavour pies, the cherry on top.   
he knew Dean never liked to admit it, but cherry was his favourite. Dean liked to pretend he favoured no pie, and pretended that he believed in pie-equality. 

but cas knew.  
cherry was deans favourite. 

' cas? that you?'  
'hello sam. I have pie.'  
'I can see that, cas. how come you took so long?'  
'I was searching for the best cherry pie in the US, but there were multiple pie shops claiming that they owned the best cherry pie. so as you can see, I had to make a decision based off looks alone.'  
'well I'm sure dean will love it.'  
'thank you sam. I hope so.'  
'so, do you think we could have, um, a talk?'  
'of course sam. what do you want to speak to me about?'  
'come on, not here. well go sit in the library.' 

cas tilted his head a puzzled look having crossed his face. he quickly put the pies down on the side, carefully making sure none of them were damaged. sam stood up, and quickly walked to the library, cas almost having to jog to keep up with him. 

when they got into the library, sam locked the door, and dragged two chairs to the farthest corner of the library. sam sat down, and motioned for cas to sit in the chair opposite him. 

'sam? why are we here?'  
'cas I have to talk to you. I need you to listen to me, and answer me as honestly as you can.'  
'of course, sam.'  
'okay, here goes.'

sam shuffled to a comfier position in his chair, and ran a hand though his thick brown hair. sighing, he looked at cas again, and then ran his hand through his hair for a second time. 

'basically cas, it's about Dean...and you. I know you like...I know you love him. and I know Dean feels something for you as well. but, there is an appropriate way to do things, and I need to tell you what to do.'  
'oh. um...of course sam. I appreciate the help...'  
'okay. good. well, for one, Dean is never going to admit he's gay. or bisexual. ever. don't get offended by it...it's just that our dad, when we were young...look, Dean was moulded into the perfect soldier by our dad, and he didn't leave any space for open mindedness.'  
'Sam, Dean is one of the most open minded people I have ever had the good fortune to meet.'   
'yeah cas, but not about sexuality. like, I'm pretty sure he's been in love with you for years. but he wouldn't do anything about it, because your in a male vessel. if you were in a female vessel, you and Dean would probably have like a child by now.'   
'that's disgusting sam, nephilims are a disgrace to creation. but I understand you. are you saying that if I wish for Dean to feel the same way, I should need to find a female vessel? I will do it sam. I have grown fond of jimmy's vessel but I will do it.'   
'no cas! don't change. we like you like this...you like you like this! all I'm saying is that it might take Dean a little while to come to terms with the fact that your a guy. well, your body is anyway.'   
'oh. of course. well, what should I do?'   
'just be you cas. but don't do anything to hurt Dean, please. he won't bounce back from it. I knew he loved you from the beginning, but I could really obviously tell when you betrayed us. he never once believed that you would do something like that, he refused to believe it. and when he realised that you did...he wasn't himself cas. it was like a part of him died.'  
'oh. oh dear. I never knew...he was so badly affected by my mistakes. sam, I promise you, I will do everything I can to keep your brother from feeling that way again. I will not betray Dean Winchester again.'  
'good. I think we've covered everything? go talk to him.'  
'thank you sam.'  
'anytime cas.' 

cas stood up and wandered out the bunker, fumbling with the Lock on the door. 

talk to dean.   
that's what sam had said.   
so why am I so scared?   
I don't understand human emotions. 

cas walked along the hallways of the bunker slowly, his feet lightly tapping with every step forward he took. 

he ran his fingers along the wall, familiarising himself with everything about the bunker. 

he came to the door that belonged to deans room, and stood outside it for a few seconds. shaking himself, he knocked four times on the door. 

a couple of seconds later, there was a gruff reply from inside the room. 

'Sammy? have you found a hunt?'  
'Dean it's me.'  
'cas? oh um, come in?'

cas opened the door and walked through, neglecting to use his grace for flight, in case he surprised Dean. 

Dean was stood in front of his bed, dressed rather messily. his jeans were old and faded, and his shirt was on backwards. he had a flannel shirt on over the top, the sleeves pulled right down. 

cas squinted at the sleeves, and then looked at Dean. 

'dean? are you okay?'  
'yeah. me? I'm fine. are you?'

cas took a step forward, and Dean took a step back, his hands clenching into fists. 

'dean, what's wrong?'  
'nothin '. nothing's wrong cas.'  
'Dean don't lie to me. I can almost smell the fear on you.'

cas took a couple more steps forward, and closed the distance between himself and the hunter. 

reaching forward, he grabbed hold of one of the hunters sleeve-wrapped arms, and looked him straight in the eye. 

'dean. don't lie to me.'  
'I'm not lying cas.' 

cas looked down at the flimsy shirt, and saw what he had known from the moment he walked in the room. 

dark blood stains, blossoming through the thin material. 

cas reached out for deans other hand, and slowly opened his fist. 

'dean, why?'

Dean didn't answer, so cas took the tiny blade from deans hand and atomised it between his fingers. 

he then placed a hand on deans face. 

'stop it Dean. please.'

Dean just stared at cas as the Angel healed him, all the pain and fresh scars removed from his arm. 

the Angel turned around slowly, and began to leave the room. 

'cas?'  
'yes Dean?'  
'I'm sorry.'  
'I know.'

the Angel walked out of the room, his eyes glazed over and itching. 

When he shut the door, he heard the faint sound of a sob coming from the elder Winchesters room, and then he couldn't hold it back anymore. his own eyes began to pool with tears, shining brighter and bluer than ever. 

he wiped his cheek as the first year ran down it, and sucked in a deep breath. 

how could you be so human?  
you are an angel of the Lord. a warrior. 

castiel shook his head sadly, and wiped more tears from his face. 

you are in love with Dean Winchester.  
Angels aren't supposed to feel. we aren't supposed to love, or hurt.   
we aren't supposed to suffer from human emotion.   
but you do.  
because you love Dean winchester. 

cas wiped the last remaining tear from  
his face, and walked away from deans doorway, to go and find Charlie. 

he needed some advice.


	10. Chapter 10

~Charlie's POV~

do the Winchesters not know what Oreos are? or Nutella? or hot pockets? or-

'Charlie?'

spinning round, Charlie teetered on the countertop, her arms splayed out as she tumbled off the surface.   
cas was underneath her in a flash, his arms wrapped around her. 

'are you okay Charlie? why are you climbing the kitchen furnishings?' 

pulling her red hair from her mouth, she gasped for breath before bursting out laughing. 

'oh cas. thank god you caught me! I was looking for food. nice food, not rabbit food.'  
'I see. Charlie may I talk to you, privately?'  
'what's wrong? is it Dean?! he hasn't...has he?'  
'uh, yes. I healed him though. and I atomised the razor blade he used. but that's not what I wanted to talk to you about.'   
'I'll be right back cas. give me two minutes. wait here.'

God dammit Dean.   
you stupid, selfless, brave, idiot.   
why do you think you deserve so much fucking pain?   
why do you blame yourself for so much?

Charlie raced along the corridor in the bunker, and practically knocked deans bedroom door off its hinges. 

'dean? Dean? talk to me.'  
'what did cas say?'  
'he said enough. Dean you have to stop.'  
'I know.'

crossing the room to deans bed, Charlie pulled the covers off the grown man, plonked herself down in the bed and pulled the covers straight back up. 

'okay. okay, I'm talking to you right now. I'm talking, you're listening. you understand deano?'  
'yes.'

Charlie grabbed Dean and enveloped him in a hug, and tucked his head under her chin. she began softy stroking his hair, and as she felt him relax, she began to talk. 

'okay. Dean Winchester, I wonder about you. I wonder why you blame yourself for all the worlds evil. I wonder why you blame yourself for your families suffering. I wonder why you do this to yourself, because Dean Winchester, you have not caused this pain and suffering. the world would not have any less evil should you cease to exist. the world would not have any less pain if you weren't a hunter. you did not choose this life, but you have done the best you can. you have saved the world for fucks sake! you don't need to remember your mistakes. every day, you and sam risk your lives, for complete strangers. you've both gone through so damn much, and you don't even realise how strong you really are. no. shh, I'm not finished. Dean, I could not be more thankful for the things you've done for me. you and sam have saved my life, you've given me a home. you risked everything for me. without you guys, Id probably be dead. and yes, I understand the risks of this life, but every single aspect of existence has risks. I could live this life, make something of myself, and die a hero, or I could get hit by a bus and die a nobody. and dean, if one day I do die, I want you to know that it is not your fault. none of it is. Dean, if I were given five minutes to live, my last wish would be for you, sam and cas, to realise how much good you give the world. you guys are my family, and I love you. Dean, sam loves you. cas loves you.'

Charlie looked downwards at Dean, and inhaled sharply as she saw the tear tracks on his face.   
she tightened her arms around deans body and squeezed him tightly. 

'dean, you're my brother. I want you to be as happy as you can be in this life. I want you to be okay.'

Charlie peeled herself from Dean, and crawled out of the bed. Dean sat up and looked her straight in the eye, not afraid to hide his tears anymore.

why don't you ever understand Dean.   
why can't I make you understand?

'one last thing dean.'  
'yes Charlie?'  
'I haven't forgotten than conversation we had last year Dean, when you were drunk. I think, you need to be honest Dean. with everyone, yourself, sam, and cas.'  
'you think?'  
'I do. I know for a fact cas will be happy. you know I understand, I made that clear last year. sam will be okay with it, I promise you. It'll just be a bit weird for him at first. talk to them. please.'  
'okay Charlie. just give me a bit more time. I need to think about some stuff. thankyou though. for everything.'   
'okay Dean. it's okay.' 

Charlie leaned forward and hugged Dean again, before leaving the room to go and find cas. 

I've got a plan.   
phase one, we are go.

cas was sat down in the library when Charlie found him, his head buried in a book.

'cas? sorry I took so long...can we talk now?'  
'of course Charlie. where shall we talk?'  
'here's fine. deans in bed, and Sam's taking a shower.'

Charlie grabbed a pillow from her chair and sat down, squishing the pillow in her lap. 

'what did you want to talk about cas?'  
'I wanted to ask you how I might go about...how I might go about telling Dean how I feel about him.'  
'I thought he already knew? it's kind of obvious, cas.'  
'yes charlie, so did I, but he failed to talk about it with me after our last conversation. I don't want to make Dean feel uncomfortable. I don't know how he feels about me, not properly. I don't know what he wants. I want to make him understand the extent of my feelings for him, and I need your help.'  
'start from the beginning cas, tell me what you know.'

castiel shuffled in his chair and leaned forward towards Charlie, his eyes glinting wildly and a wistful smile appeared on his lips. 

'I remember, when I pulled Dean from hell. I fought through thousands upon thousands of demons to find him, and when I did, I had never seen a soul shine so brightly. it was amazing Charlie. deans soul shone brighter than the sun, brighter than heaven itself. he was in hell, torturing, becoming more evil every passing day, but his soul just would not stop shining. It was truly fascinating. and oh, when I gripped him and raised him from perdition, Charlie, his soul gripped back! his soul was screaming to be saved, and I was the one who saved him. I put him back piece by piece, I left my mark on him. ever since then, I seemed to have an infatuation with Dean winchester. the other Angels, they didn't understand. they were always making jokes, about Dean being a homophobic homosexual, saying he was in denial. and Charlie you should have heard what they said to me. I was an outcast. I betrayed my brothers and sisters, the whole reason for my existence, for the Winchesters. I mean, sam has always been important to me obviously, but Dean and I...we share a profound bond. he has my grace coursing through his soul.'  
'wait. Dean has your grace?'  
'of course. how do you think I remade him after I raised him from hell? I myself have a piece of deans soul, mixed in with my grace. it was an accident, of course, but while I was rebuilding him, his soul just seemed to crawl towards me, and a small part seeped through my skin.'

Charlie was literally gaping, her mouth was hanging wide open. cas tilted his head sideways, and pulled the familiar puzzled look that Charlie and the Winchesters knew so well. 

oh my god. cas and Dean...they are literally bound together. holy shit. they are like...soul mates. 

'cas. does that make you and Dean...does it make you soul mates?'  
'I'd never thought of it that way. I suppose it does. do you think Dean will mind? I'll have to make sure he's okay with it...'  
'cas it's fine. tell me the rest of your story.'

Charlie snuggled back into her chair and watched cas. he seemed so human. he was sat in his chair, his back ramrod straight, wringing his hands. his nose was sweating and he had hopeful fear in his eyes. there was no doubt about it-cas was this compassionate, he was this human, because of the little bit of deans soul inside him. 

dean gave cas humanity. he gave him the most precious thing he possibly could have. 

'well, at first, Dean really didnt trust me. he never hated me, I knew that. because of our profound bond, I was able to sense most of his emotions. it was mostly just fear and confusion at first. even when...even when I betrayed him, he never hated me. all I could feel during those times was longing and betrayal. but maybe about a year ago, things started to change. Dean felt differently about me, I could sense it. all of a sudden, Dean had a huge longing for me, even when he wasn't praying. even when I was in the same room. I didn't know what to do at first, I was confused. but then I started getting other messages from  
Dean, like...really different messages. confusion, too. I believe that one is because he was confused about his own sexual orientation, considering my vessel is male. but I ignored them, until a couple of weeks ago. Dean was drunk, and I came into the room...and he didn't say anything. he wouldn't look at me. he wouldn't talk to me, and I didn't know what to do! because I thought he loved me. I really did. and he just wouldn't talk to me.'

Charlie looked across at cas to see his eyes watering from tears, and his hands shaking madly. she leaned l and took his hands in hers. 

'cas you listen to me now. Dean is confused. let's be honest, he had a pretty tough upbringing. he's just scared...trust me, I can see in the way he looks at you, he loves you. destiel is real.'  
'destiel?'  
'ah. you don't know about destiel...'  
'no, Charlie, please explain.'   
'basically cas, destiel, is a mixture of yours and deans name. do you remember chuck? well the fans of his books, they ship-sorry, they think you and Dean would make a good couple. like in a relationship. so they mixed your names...but yeah. destiel is real.'  
'oh. I see...so other people believe Dean and I should be in a relationship?'  
'not necessarily. other people believe that you and Dean are in love with each other. they just want you both to be happy, in a relationship with each other, or just friends. it all depends on what you guys are comfortable with.'   
'I wouldn't mind Charlie. I do love dean. I just want to stay with him.'  
'okay cas. you need to talk to Dean, soon. wait a few days, until he feels a bit better after all this shit with Morpheus. then talk to him. I'll come with you if you want?'  
'thank you Charlie, but no. I should talk to Dean alone. plus, I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. after all, he is 'straight' as he puts it. that's why Im so confused...he said yes when I asked if he loved me...but I don't know what to do. I'll speak to him in a couple of days. I'm going to go look at the stars.'

Charlie nodded to cas and watched as he stood up and walked away, enveloped in her own thoughts. 

oh god, I wish I hadn't promised Dean I wouldn't say anything about the drunk conversation...cas needs all the support he can get right now. he needs hope. he needs to know that deans loved him for a long time.


	11. Chapter 11

~Charlie's POV~

*1 year ago*

'Ch...charlieeee? can aaah talk to youhh?'  
'Dean? how drunk are you right now?'   
'am not drunk. am just sad.'  
'why are you sad Dean? come on, sit down next to me.'

Charlie made room on her bed for Dean, who stumbled across the room and slumped down next to her. she wrapped her arms around him and kissed his forehead.

'charlieeee. I haf a prob...problem.'  
'what is it Dean? talk to me, come on. don't be shy.'  
'well...charlieeee...your gay right?'  
'yes Dean, why do you ask?'  
'well how did you know? becauseeee I think I might be....yanoooo...gay.'  
'why do you think that?'  
'because I love cassss! I love him. I do.'  
'you love cas? as in cas the Angel?'  
'yehhhh what other cassss would it be? my cas.'  
'oh..so you think your gay?'  
'only for cas though. I don't wanna go round fucking dudes. I just loveeee cas. I wanna kish him an hug him an jus look after him.'  
'how long have you felt like this Dean?'  
'I don't knooooo-oooow. not long...maybe a couple of monthssss? hahaha.'  
'dean...cas is an angel...he might not be capable of feeling things like love. you might not get anything back from him.'  
'that's whyyy I'm scared charlieeee. what if he doesn't love me back? what do I do? I'll die Charlie, I will die.'  
'dean, don't be silly. you won't die...just talk to cas. explain to him...even if he doesn't feel the same, he won't shut you out.'  
'noooo Charlie you don't understand. I don't deserve cas' love. I'll die...I'll kill myself! cas deserves a nice pretty   
aaaaa-ngeeeel.'  
'what the fuck do you mean you'll kill yourself? Dean I have never heard something so stupid come out of your mouth.'  
'noo I'm being serious   
char-lieeee! I will kill myself...I've almost done it beforeeee!'  
'what do you mean you've almost done it before? Dean? talk to me, please.'  
'what do youuu think I mean. I mean I almost ganked myselfff.'  
'why? Dean? why?'  
'becauseeee I wash sad. I didn't want to live anymore.'  
'oh Dean...you don't...you don't hurt yourself, do you?'  
'what do you fucking thinkkk? I'm a mesh charlieeee. of course I fuck-iiiing doo.'  
'oh Dean...please don't do that. please don't hurt yourself...I have to tell sam. we can help you.'  
'if you fucking tell sam I'll kill youuu. no, I'll never Eveeer talk to you again. ever. I swear I will. sam doesn't neeeed my shit problems to deal with!'

~sams POV~ 

*present day*

walking through the bunker to the kitchen, sam ran his hand through his hair, lost in deep thought.

how am I going to fix Dean, while simultaneously getting him to get it on with cas?   
ew, gross. why am I trying to make my brother have gay sex?  
EW. BRAIN. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

'Sammy? you okay?'  
'dean?!'

sam practically squeaked deans name, his face turning bright red. oh god, he was so not ready to talk to his brother. 

'sammy? what's up?'  
'nothing. nothing's wrong. can we talk? not here. in my room. come on.'

sam practically held deans hand and led him to his room, where he proceeded to lock the door, and pushed dean over to the furthest corner. 

'not to put a downer on the mood sam but I feel like your either going to kill me or do something really gross that I don't want to think about to me.'  
'dean. shut the fuck up, okay? listen to me. cas loves you. you love cas. I am fucking sick of seeing you both wandering round avoiding each other. okay? it's fucking stupid. Charlie agrees with me. you and cas need to sort things out between you, okay? I don't know what you discussed the other day, after we saved you from Morpheus. oh...I also need to ask you about something else as well. but first, promise me that you'll talk to cas.'  
'dude. I'll talk to cas okay? calm the fuck down. I just don't know what to think. I'm fucking straight! I swear...I am. oh god, if dad was here now...'  
'that's the thing Dean. dads not here, so you don't need to pretend you're something that you're not. I know for a fact that you're at least bisexual, otherwise you wouldn't always stare into cas' eyes, and at his ass! oh yeah, I freaking noticed!'  
'I'm not scared of dad, sam.'  
'no, not now you aren't. but you were. Dean, when we rescued you from Morpheus dream spell, we saw your dreams. we saw what dad did to you...Dean, how long was it happening for? how long was he hurting you?'

sam looked at Dean and saw the blood drain from his face. he was white as a sheet and he looked about five seconds away from passing out. 

'dean? buddy? are you okay? dude, I just want to know...I just want to help.'  
'I DONT NEED YOUR FUCKING HELP SAM! I don't need your help...'

sam grabbed his now sobbing brother and pulled him in for a hug, wrapping his long arms around dean.

'how long dean? how many times did he hurt you?'  
'I don't know sammy. when we were younger, a lot. but he stopped doing it as often when I got older. he tried to hit you, while you were asleep. I stopped him. I fought him. I think I scared him, because he never did it again after that. I was 15. you were only 11 Sammy.'  
'dean, why didn't you tell me? we could have left him...we could have gone to bobby's. you didn't need to suffer in silence Dean.'  
'it doesn't matter anymore Sammy. it was messed up, but it doesn't matter anymore.'  
'did dad know that you were bisexual?'

Dean shot sam a glance, but didn't deny being bisexual.

oh. well we're getting somewhere now...finally.

'do you think he knew? he would've killed me sam...I just didn't understand it. he was a good dad, he tried his best. at times he could be the nicest man on earth. but some stuff just set him off...if I'd have ever told him...about that...he'd have kicked off big time sam.'  
'okay, okay I get it. thankyou for being honest Dean. seriously though, I'm your brother. I'm here for you when you need to talk, you know that right?'  
'yeah. thanks Sammy...'  
'but I mean it when I say you need to talk to cas as well. sort things out...you never know. something really good might happen.'   
'okay sammy, I'll talk to cas. I promise I will. just give me a few days...I need to think about everything.'  
'okay dean. don't do anything stupid. I'll be in here, or somewhere in the bunker if you need to talk. same with Charlie and cas...we're all here for you.' 

Dean gave sam a grim smile and a quick hug, before walking out of Sam's room, and back to his own, where he made himself a cocoon out of blankets and promptly fell asleep.

sam smiled to himself.

Dean was taking this whole situation better than expected...aside from the whole self harming issue...  
it was going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! :) I have a week off college now, so I will try and update as often as possible. I really appreciate any kudos and comments I receive. I hope you like the fic so far :) my wattpad is stydiaxdestiel and all my stories are on there, if it's easier for any of you to use.


	12. Chapter 12

~cas POV~

pacing the kitchen in the bunker, cas tapped his fingers along the various tabletop surfaces.   
his tie was askew, and his hair was ruffled up messily on top of his head.   
his blue eyes darted around the room, up, down, up, down, never staying in one place for longer than a few seconds.

I have to talk to Dean. it's been three days...  
why hasn't Dean spoken to me? did I do something wrong? did I scare him away?

the Angel began to breathe heavily, his heart pounding and his mind going into overdrive. thoughts were racing through his head madly, almost driving him insane.

go talk to Dean!  
dean doesn't want to talk to you.  
why doesn't he love you like you love him?  
but he does love you! he admitted it!  
Angels aren't supposed to feel this way.  
you have failed father. he would be so ashamed of you. 

cas abruptly stopped walked, directly in the centre of the kitchen.

'father would not be ashamed. I have not failed...myself and the Winchesters, we stopped the apocalypse. we saved billions of lives. father, if you're listening...know that I do not wish to offend or disgrace you. I just wish for happiness...I'm not supposed to feel. but I do...I feel so strongly. especially about Dean...please father, just let Dean be truly happy.'

castiel finished talking to himself, his voice fading from a low mutter into silence. he stared absently at the wall, his thoughts stopping just as suddenly as they had started. 

he could feel deans longing way before Dean was aware he was even longing for the angel.

cas felt it in his heart, he felt it in his very essence. whenever Dean felt strong emotions, like love, rage, betrayal, longing, and so many more that he didn't understand, cas felt it in his heart. 

he could feel it now.   
longing.  
Dean was longing for cas, but there was a sense of urgency this time. this wasn't the slow, achy longing cas was used to feeling from Dean. this was a short sharp pain, right above his heart, a viscous and all too apparent need for the Angel. 

cas zapped himself from the kitchen right to deans room, and as his eyes adjusted to the light, he saw the hunter, lying in bed, wrapped in his sheets like a baby. 

tilting his head to the side in confusion and why the hunter found his position comfortable, the Angel coughed, then spoke.

'dean? what's wrong?'

 

~deans POV~

three days. it's been three fucking days, and I still haven't spoken to cas.   
oh my god...he doesn't want to talk. he's embarrassed...about this...mess. that's what it is. I embarrass him. he can't be bothered with it...he doesn't love me. he never will. I was just kidding myself. lying to myself, to make things seem better. fuckin' stupid. stupid, stupid, STUPID!

'Dean? what's wrong?'

Dean whipped his bedsheets from off his head faster than anything the Angel had ever seen. 

'nothing! nothing. nothing's wrong. I'm fine, I'm okay. are you okay? stupid question. but are you?'  
'dean, calm down. you're breathing rather fast, it's going to make you sick. yes, I'm fine.  can we talk?'  
'sure, I guess. if you want to? you don't have to, not if you don't want to.'  
'I want to.'

the hunter watched the Angel adjust his coat, before walking over to his side and sitting right next to him. 

Dean looked at cas, and cas looked at Dean. they were staring into each other's eyes for what could have been hours, but neither of them moved in the slightest. not even a blink. 

those fucking pools of blue. why does he have so much sadness in his eyes? how could a frigging warrior of God seem so afraid? so human?

Dean was so lost in thought he did not hear the Angel clear his throat, and jumped when castiel spoke his name. 

'dean? are you sure you're okay?'  
'yeah, cas I'm fine. I'm just...I'm not ready to talk. not yet.'

if Dean could have predicted the look of pure heartbreak that slipped onto castiels features at those words, he would have kept quiet. the Angels eyes literally welled up with tears, the blue of them seeming to sparkle ferociously. 

'I...as you wish Dean. I'm sorry for bothering you.'

Dean sat in silence as castiel got up from the bed, and slowly walked around the side.

he watched as the Angel fixed his tan trench coat, smoothing down the lapels and attempting to fix his tie in the process.

Dean watched as the tear tracks appeared on the Angels cheeks, glinting softly under the light. 

castiel wiped his face with his hands, his back turned away from Dean, so the hunter could not see how destroyed he was. 

'oh fuck it.'

Cas turned around just as Dean came up behind him. 

Dean grabbed ahold of the Angels tie and pulled him towards him, his heart beating faster than it ever had before.  
pulling cas closer to him, he leaned forward and kissed the Angel straight on the mouth. 

at first, it was purely Dean, cas was frozen in shock. but, after a second or two, cas began to kiss Dean back, his hands grabbing onto deans sleeves, his fingers tightening around deans wrists.

Dean could feel warmth spreading through his body, from his fingers, to his toes.   
he yanked cas' tie and pushed him towards the wall, ignoring the huge crashing noise his lamp made as it fell to the floor when he bumped into his desk. 

Dean looked at cas, his blue eyes shining and a smile wider than Texas on his lips. his hair was ruffled messily, just like it was the day Dean first met him. his tie was still askew...

leaning forward, Dean softly kissed the Angel once more, before carefully undoing his tie.

'cas, how many times have I told you? I'll do your tie for you.'  
'thank you Dean.'

the Angels voice was raspy and quiet, and as Dean straightened his tie, he could help but wonder how he had kept away for so long.   
how had he held his feelings captive, locked away inside his mind. 

the rush of pure happiness he felt now was immense. 

if only I'd have done this sooner.

this time it was cas who leaned into Dean, his hands wrapping themselves around deans wrists once more, pulling him softly into a kiss. 

across the room, neither cas nor Dean had noticed, the door was open.

peeking around the corner, Charlie was squished underneath Sam's armpit as they both tried to hear what had been said. 

turning away, sam softly shut the door and turned to Charlie.

'I haven't seen Dean look that happy...ever.'  
'neither have I. but I could definitely get used to it.'

sam put his arm around Charlie and they both laughed, and practically skipped towards the bunkers library. 

 

that night, when everyone had gone to sleep, two figures walked around the bunker.   
opening the door to the living room, they saw Charlie on her makeshift bed, surrounded by pillows and blankets. her red hair was splayed out around her like a halo and she was smiling in her sleep. 

around the corner and down the hallway, the two figures opened the door to Sam's room, where they saw him, asleep in bed.   
his laptop was open, and was shining brightly casting light over his chiselled face. he was snoring softly, making a barely audible noise. in his hand was his phone, showing a call that had lasted 35 minutes, and underneath it said two simple words. a name.   
Sarah Blake. 

just across from Sam's room, the two figures walked to deans room. opening this door the quietest, they peeked inside, not daring to make a sound. 

across the room, Dean was lay fast asleep on his bed, the covers pulled up to his chin. he had one arm out of the covers, and his hand was intertwined with castiels, who was sat motionless beside him in bed. the Angels eyes were closed, but he was gripping deans hand tightly and seemed to be fast asleep as well, despite the fact that Angels should not sleep. 

the two figures stepped away from the room, and walked out of the bunker.

standing under the starry sky, they looked at each other for a second, before the younger one spoke. 

'well, time to go back upstairs. I hope you got what you came for?'

the old man opposite of the younger man wiped a tear from his eye, and adjusted his baseball cap. 

'oh yeah. I got what I came for. just a shame those idjits didn't realise it while I was still alive.'  
'my brother and Dean Winchester always did have something special. but they are both morons. of course they didn't realise, until something major happened. I might've helped Morpheus in his search for interesting souls...but I knew Dean would refuse his offer.'  
'deans a good kid. always has been. he would never leave his brother, or Charlie, or cas behind.'  
'I know. now come on, Bobby singer. I can't have the people upstairs knowing I'm alive and giving tours of earth to respective members of the heaven only squad.'  
'alright, quit yer yappin'. I'm ready to go.'  
'okay. I sha-'  
'thank you, Gabriel. Not all angels are dicks.'   
'oh. your welcome.'  
'keep an eye on my boys for me? make sure they're okay?'  
'I promise you, Bobby singer, I find the Winchesters lives rather fascinating. I'll keep on watch for them, and the redhead. and my brother of course. castiel was always so ditsy.'

all that could be heard outside the bunker was the flapping of wings, as hunter and Angel flew towards heavens realm, slipping through the earths dimensions. 

inside the bunker, castiel smiled to himself. 

did Gabriel really think I wouldn't feel his presence? or that of Bobby singer? Angels don't sleep...even Angels with humanity.

'damn you Gabriel. always playing tricks...thank you. come back soon brother. I miss you.'

 

~end~

 

*i didn't really know where to go with this fic after this point, so I hope this ending is good enough for you all. thankyou for reading though, I appreciate it so much :) 

P.S  
if anyone is ever suffering from self harming or depression, you don't have to suffer alone. my messages are always open if anyone needs to talk.  
stay strong my lovely x


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